Episode 95: Abuser Mindset and Entitlement

Understanding the role of entitlement in the abuser’s mindset

Abusive behaviour and mindset in Intimate Relationships is highly complex and certainly not always well understood! The more insight and clarity we have the more effective our interventions can become.

When it comes to romantic relationships, abuse dynamics stem from beliefs, attitudes and thinking patterns that are often underpinned with a sense of justification and entitlement:

‘If you don't submit to my power and control then I am entitled to utilise whatever tactics I deem necessary to make that happen.’

‘No matter what is going on as an abuser, my needs getting met come first! You need to focus on me whenever I want you to focus on me. What you want and need are not as important as what I want and need!’

‘I am entitled to forgiveness, I am entitled to control how you think and behave!’

Of course, the list goes on!

There are a number of foundational elements that make up the abuser mindset and in this episode, we look at the element of entitlement. As I have mentioned before there are a number of exceptional resources in this area. I certainly recommend a look at the work of people like Lundy Bancroft, George Simon, Jerry Wise, Ann Jones and Susan Schechter and there are many more. All these experts bring elements and expertise to areas that help us all move into better relating.

Episode 93: The Seduction Of The Abuser

The ups & downs of the cycle of abuse

The abuse cycle can be confusing as it can consist of periods of relative peace between partners and in the household in general. The calm before the next storm can lull us into a false sense of hope that things may finally be getting better.

Part of skilled abusers keeping us plugged in is the fostering of false hope and keeping us believing if we just try harder, just love them more, just give in to more of their demands it will all change.

This episode looks at the ups and downs of the cycle. It can be very confusing to love someone and be genuinely afraid of them at the same time. A vast array of emotional responses regarding one's partner in these extreme situations can definitely be part of the relational landscape.

Hopefully, this episode helps to point out areas of focus and provide some clarity.

Episode 43: Understanding Verbal Abuse

Elements that make up Verbal Abuse in relationships

Verbal like physical abuse happens behind closed doors and the victim can feel isolated, confused and as if they somehow are to blame.

This episode uses Patricia Evans' insightful book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" as a reference and a resource.

Through understanding some of the patterns of toxic verbal abuse we can reclaim our right to healthy relating or keep an eye out for our friends and family members who may be in this type of terrible experience.

What are some key red flags to look for in relating between two people, and what happens when we are playing by different relationship rules that we weren't informed about?