Episode 166: Am I Bringing My Best Self Home?

The dangers of polarisation in different life areas

How are you showing up over the areas of your life? Does your business, job, career consistently get the best of you? If you end up over time giving all your energy, focus, attention, empathy and patience to your work environment then what comes home?

Whilst listening to an episode of Esther Perel's podcast series How's Work, she mentioned the idea of work getting Best Self and home getting Worse Self or something to that effect. This to me fitted alongside the idea of Over Functioning at work and Under Functioning at home, just a different angle. I highly recommend both Esther's podcast series by the way!

Even the most healthy personal relationships experience ups and downs. This means that we need to be mindful about what our personal life and those in it are getting from us. Home should be a place to rest, renew and drop the public persona. If however that is all we end up doing there then chances are things are going to decline.

A certain amount of time, energy, joy and enthusiasm needs to be invested in a life area if we want it to continue to thrive. This episode looks at the danger of becoming polarised in how we show up in certain life areas. This area to me can be a real blindspot for some and I hope this episode helps.

Episode 165: Improving Our Relationship With Ourselves

How to develop positive self-regard

Potentially the greatest place of leverage in having an even better life is in improving your relationship with yourself. We live with ourselves twenty-four hours a day, so would it be a terrible idea to prioritise self-work that helps you further develop an overall sense of positive self-regard?

You can improve your sense of feeling that you are enough and at the same time recognise that you have areas to work on.

What self-care routines work best for you and how consistent with them are you? Do you think about yourself and your life goals as much as you fixate on what others should and shouldn't be doing? Are you as organised as you could be? How do you use alcohol, drugs, business and relationships?

There are a number of ways to continue to improve your relationship with yourself and when we do, we enhance our relationships with those around us and with life. This episode explores some of the aspects of improved self relating.

Episode 162: The Importance Of Emotional Attunement In Relationships

How presence & awareness creates healthy relationships

There are a number of factors that would appear to boost the chances of having a relationship that continues to be healthy and successful over time. One such element is the degree to which you continue to be aware of your partner's emotional experience. The longer we stay together the more likely that we will both change, grow and develop whether we intend to or not. The person you started in relationship with may not be exactly who you experience today.

It is vital that we continue to invest interest and time into our partner. The more awareness and presence we can bring means we can avoid stumbling into relational blowups and being baffled as to "how did we get here?"

Emotional attunement also allows us to put the brakes on when the challenging discussion is escalating into real damage to the relationship territory. It allows us to see when our partner is beginning their repair attempts and wanting to move back into relational harmony. It allows us to continue to be present for the moments of true love and intimacy.

Episode 161: How Distance Damages Relationships

Protecting your relationship by enhancing closeness

There are so many distractions and responsibilities these days! One of the consequences is that, over time and often out of our awareness, we start to drift from our partner. Distance grows over time and connection can start to fade. This can mean that when inevitable challenges appear at our door or appear at the doors of those close to us, the relationship really experiences strain.

Having fundamental positive regard for our partner, a genuine friendship with them is seen as one of the most base elements of long term successful relationships and weathering effectively life challenges. However, if we aren't spending time together focused on continuing to really know one another then we can be weakening our relationship even though that is absolutely not what we wanted.

This episode looks at how important it is to not get too far apart from one another for too long unless we want to risk losing our relationship over time.

Episode 160: Right For The Argument and Wrong For The Relationship

How to have healthy, relationship affirming disagreements

Sometimes we can get so focused on being right in an argument and snowing someone else with the undeniability of our rational position that we forget to be mindful of their experience.

If you have ever had the experience of being intellectually trampled so to speak by someone in a conflict or negotiation situation and how that left you feeling, you will know what I mean. How willing are you to want to engage again with that person if another situation of challenge arises?

The really good negotiators and conflict specialists focus not only on the challenge at present but also on affirming the relationships between parties so that we will be willing to fight again on another day.

Disagreement isn't unhealthy and can even promote deeper understanding, intimacy and effective solutions. How we disagree and how we leave each other feeling can mean I win now but lose later. This can be especially true if as a result of confrontation with me, you refuse to want to engage again or hold back on crucial information going forward because I am now perceived as too unpleasant to deal with.

This episode looks at some of these aspects and being mindful of relationships.

Episode 150: Seeing Both Sides Of Relationship Patterns - Part I

Challenging automatic patterns of blame in relationships

Generally, when you listen to couples going through relational challenges you can hear a fixation on their partner's present shortfalls or an over fixation on their own while their partner is faultless.

We can overly blame other or overly blame self but any attempt to adjust in a relationship from that limited focus alone is likely to only (at best) temporarily relieve relational stress. Short term, emotionally reactive adjustments that are designed to get back to momentary relational calm can be actually building to long term relational strain and distance.

This episode looks at one of the automatic patterns utilised by couples to manage intimacy, closeness, anxiety and general family system pressure. If we can observe relating patterns and label them then we are at a choice point about what, if anything, we would like to do. Can I clearly see my part and your part in this dynamic from a calm position?

It takes two to engage in a relational pattern and often a host of supporting others. This episode pattern of relating is focused on over-functioning and under-functioning in relationship. I hope you find it helpful!

Episode 148: You Should Really Know What I Need

How assuming your partner is a mind reader affects communication

The idea that the more we love someone the more skilled at mind reading we become causes more problems than it solves!

"You should know what I need if you really loved me!" This isn't helpful and in part stems from childhood where it was our parent's job to interpret our requirements. Depending on your family system that often didn't work so well either!

Healthy dynamics involve communication and willingness to clarify. As we grow and mature our needs change and also how specifically our needs get met.

It is fantasy to think that even with the best fit person for you, that they will magically always be in alignment with you and one step ahead of your requirements. Something of that nature is probably closer to unhealthy enmeshment than to separate adults willingly forming a relationship together and continuing to commit to the relationship as it evolves over time.

This episode looks at how the mind-reading assumptions that can appear in relationship dynamics get in the way of healthy relationship communication.

Episode 143: Emotional Affairs and Relationship Neglect

Prioritising sharing with our partner to avoid threatening the relationship

When we first get into a relationship the conversational exchanges can be highly invigorating, fascinating and rewarding! Over time, however, they can become less so, if we don't continue to make them a priority.

We can benefit from meaningful exchanges with multiple others so that the burden of our emotional well being is not placed squarely in the hands of our partner. However, if we begin to find that conversations of significance are progressively being had with a person or persons other than our partner, then this could be a red flag.

Am I continuing to make time to share with my partner things that are significant to me and continuing to invite them to share with me? So many distractions, social media and vigorous workplace exchange can over time make me neglectful of remaining present to my relationship. This episode looks at this topic and what we can do to avoid accidentally putting our relationship under threat.

Episode 138: Intimate Relationship With No Intimacy

Prioritising intimacy for emotional nourishment

At first, it's as if we can't get enough of one another. Can't spend enough time together, can listen to our partner speak for hours, crave their touch and attention. However, the allure of our cherished one and their mutual fascination on us starts to drop away with the demands of life.

If we aren't mindful we start to have less and less moments where we feel seen, known and heard by our partner. Eventually, we can be in a relationship and yet feel alone.

This episode looks at the importance of continuing to make intimate exchange a priority in a world of multiple demands so that our relationship remains a place of ongoing love and emotional nourishment.

Episode 134: Keeping The Standards Up In Relationship

The importance of standards in supporting long term relationships

I don't know about anyone else, but the fairy tales that I heard as a child tended to promise that after the initial barriers to love were beaten, it was happy ever after! I thought all you had to do was find your soul mate and the rest would be easy! 

The reality is somewhat different and it turns out that if you want your relationship to continue to be meaningful, some expectations of effort need to be still met.

When a couple hasn't had discussions about expectations and standards in a relationship that are measurable, it is easy to lose our way. Setting agreed-upon standards, committing to those standards and regular check-ins can really be vital to staying together in a meaningful way.

This episode explores the value of standards in supporting, long term healthy relating.

Episode 129: Money Conversations In Relationship

How to make money talks a source of joy rather than pain

Money issues are one of the largest points of friction for couples. This episode looks at some of the things that can be implemented to make money more a source of joy than pain in our relationships.

Couples can clash over a number of factors around money but one, in particular, is around its allocation and spending choices. Do we save or do we splash out on a holiday?

Being able to schedule consistent, open and focused discussions on money issues in your relationship without it ending in a massive blow-up is vital to long term relationship health and survival.

This episode looks at some of the areas that if attended to in advance can help to avoid emotion-fueled clashes.

Episode 125: Three Strikes & Out In Relationship

The importance of giving our partners a chance to course-correct

Have you ever experienced or know someone who has an abrupt end to a relationship you thought was going well? It may be because you had a couple of strikes against you but they weren't communicated.

In a business apart from a clear set of dos, don'ts and performance expectations, there is often some sort of warning or strikes system. If you transgress in such a way that your standing in the business has been impacted but not enough to be fired, you get a warning. A warning lets us know where we now stand and gives us an opportunity to course-correct. This is vital if we hope to remain in the business long term.

Sometimes in relationships, either ourselves or our partner wounds the relationship. The relationship takes a hit but not enough to end it. It is vital to communicate relationship strikes otherwise we don't get the chance to course-correct. Avoiding the conversation so as to not cause hurt is likely only to end in causing more hurt later.

This episode looks at the idea of relational strikes and how they can aid or destroy our relational success.

Episode 121: Empty Promises In Relationship

Why keeping promises is vital for relationship health

Sometimes we make vows or our partner does, to do better in the relationship going forward. Great sentiment but with no substance on exactly how that looks, time and time again we can be left feeling deflated as nothing actually changes! This leads to resentment which can be a relationship and passion killer.

When we agree to " what specifically "  trying harder looks like going forward then it is harder to be evasive.

This episode is a little shorter than others but the topic of committing to evidence of how you or your partner are actualising your relational promises is vitally important to the ongoing longevity and happiness of the relationship.

Episode 119: Essential Negotiation Points For Relationship

4 essential areas that keep a relationship on track

Modern relationships are challenging and there are some many ways to get distracted and get off track as a couple.

In this episode, I explore the exceptional framework of Dr Pat Allen, who is in my mind one of the most effective contributors to making modern relationships work. Dr Pat Allen identifies four key areas that are essential for couples to negotiate to keep the relationship on track.

Those areas are Time, Space, Money and Play. In this episode I will look at little deeper into these areas and why it is important to set time aside to work through these points of focus.

Anything that helps keep our relationship growing is well worth the effort and allocation of time to explore.

Episode 113: Power Dynamics In Relationship Part II

Understanding emotional drivers & finding solutions together

There are key areas in which couples can find themselves in a struggle for control. Areas such as who gets to decide, leader/ follower dynamics in the relationship and what we do with our money.

Even the healthiest couples can get into power struggles in these areas and have to work through challenging conversations to work out what will work best for them going forward.  What can make these discussions even harder is being too emotionally overloaded.

Before having these discussions do I need to be clear on what is driving me here. Are my reactions and anger only driven by the present, or am I bringing in unresolved residue from past relationships?

How can I get clear on what my emotional drivers are so that we can have the best chance to reach a workable solution together. How can I help myself so as to help us?

Episode 112: Power Dynamics In Relationship Part I

How to work through power struggles

It is unavoidable that even in the healthiest of relationships there will be from time to time minor or significant power struggles. How we navigate these going forward can be the difference between staying together and breaking apart.

This episode looks at some of the key areas that couples tend to struggle for control over and what can be red flags that there are areas that may need updating. How do we navigate through our money, time and intimacy decisions as a couple, and how might we look to improve and/or safeguard these areas of relationships?

I hope this episode helps to provide some effective discussion points to engage in with your partner, so as to promote ongoing relationship vitality.

Episode 110: Covid and Relationship Strain

Promoting relational health in stressful circumstances

We are going through exceptional times! External pressures can help to bring a couple together or pull a couple apart. How in times of increased anxiety and strain to we build our connection, love and support for one another. Minor differences can be amplified in periods of extended stress. This episode looks at a few things to be mindful of, and also what to do to promote relational health.

All the best in this challenging time and beyond!

Episode 103: Wedding Day and Married Life

How you can give your marriage every chance at success

A wedding is an amazing symbol of love, commitment and unity! It is an opportunity to share and celebrate our relationship with those we love. It is great that we really enjoy the day and invest time in making sure on the day it all goes smoothly. 

Given we put that much time and energy into a day in our relationship, how much time do we invest in the planning of our life together and our marriage?

Some planning and structure in our married life actually promotes romance, freedom and intimacy rather than takes away from it. There is so much to talk about such as how we prioritise our time as a couple, what are our joint dreams and desires, how will we spend our money and what constitutes fighting fair?

Even great relationships take renewed effort, focus and work! With so much demand on our time in modern life, how can we give ourselves every chance at success? This episode looks at some of the areas to address before it is absolutely necessary. This episode could be of value not only to those early in the marriage journey but also to help refresh for those of us further along the marriage road. 

Episode 102: Revisiting Arguments in Relationships

Using arguments for understanding rather than winning

As a couple, the health of our argument style can be far more important to the overall success of our relationship than what we fight about or how often.

In healthy relationships, there are certain rules, parameters and boundaries that are not crossed due to the mutual respect we carry for one another and the relationship overall. The argument backdrop isn't about winning at all costs, proving the rightness of my argument, maintaining the one-up position but rather about using this experience to know more about one another a willingness to listen, hear our partners side with openness and a mutual intention to find middle ground.

This episode continues to explore some of what works and what doesn't in relationships when it comes to disagreements. 

Episode 100: The Immature Romantic Partner

Understanding the behaviours & dynamics of partners with maturity issues

Even a healthy relationship takes work and compromise over time, not to mention the many challenges that life seems to throw at a couple! It can be challenging at the best of times. It can get even harder when we appear to have found ourselves in a relationship with someone who is reluctant to grow up and step up. 

This episode looks at some of the behaviours and dynamics that you may have to deal with on a continual basis if your partner seems to have some maturity issues. Such things as they refuse to consistently clean up after themselves, make impulsive choices that seem to blow up and set you both back. Show up for the fun and disappear for the hard stuff. Perhaps they consistently seem to put their friends and hobbies before you and the relationship. There are many other ways in which immaturity can put tremendous pressure on your relationship.

The more we are clear on what we are dealing with or up against the more effective the solutions we come up with will be. All the best in your relationship and I hope this episode helps!