Episode 166: Am I Bringing My Best Self Home?

The dangers of polarisation in different life areas

How are you showing up over the areas of your life? Does your business, job, career consistently get the best of you? If you end up over time giving all your energy, focus, attention, empathy and patience to your work environment then what comes home?

Whilst listening to an episode of Esther Perel's podcast series How's Work, she mentioned the idea of work getting Best Self and home getting Worse Self or something to that effect. This to me fitted alongside the idea of Over Functioning at work and Under Functioning at home, just a different angle. I highly recommend both Esther's podcast series by the way!

Even the most healthy personal relationships experience ups and downs. This means that we need to be mindful about what our personal life and those in it are getting from us. Home should be a place to rest, renew and drop the public persona. If however that is all we end up doing there then chances are things are going to decline.

A certain amount of time, energy, joy and enthusiasm needs to be invested in a life area if we want it to continue to thrive. This episode looks at the danger of becoming polarised in how we show up in certain life areas. This area to me can be a real blindspot for some and I hope this episode helps.

Episode 165: Improving Our Relationship With Ourselves

How to develop positive self-regard

Potentially the greatest place of leverage in having an even better life is in improving your relationship with yourself. We live with ourselves twenty-four hours a day, so would it be a terrible idea to prioritise self-work that helps you further develop an overall sense of positive self-regard?

You can improve your sense of feeling that you are enough and at the same time recognise that you have areas to work on.

What self-care routines work best for you and how consistent with them are you? Do you think about yourself and your life goals as much as you fixate on what others should and shouldn't be doing? Are you as organised as you could be? How do you use alcohol, drugs, business and relationships?

There are a number of ways to continue to improve your relationship with yourself and when we do, we enhance our relationships with those around us and with life. This episode explores some of the aspects of improved self relating.

Episode 164: Feeling Engulfed By The Family System

Balancing the Individual self with the family unit

One of the key aspects that we should be learning from our family as we grow is how to be a healthy individual and also how to be healthily part of a family unit. The ability to move between selfness and togetherness, in a way that doesn't compromise us is powerful.

However when we feel that closeness in the family is more like being swallowed up then we either run away in some form or perhaps resentfully comply. Enmeshed families can demand that closeness comes with conditions. Don't disturb how we do things here! Enmeshed families can demand that we all think the same, behave the same and don't call out any of the dysfunction you see. Guilt, shame and obligation become large aspects of how a family like this operates.

This episode looks at some of the things that we can do to really begin to be in our family system in more genuinely loving ways. How do I be more myself around those who love me and work towards increasing my own sense of self-approval?

Episode 163: Focusing On Others To Avoid Focusing On Self

How can we spend more time being present for self and less in other people's business?

One way to stay out of the anxiety of dealing with self is to spend all our time focusing on what others should be doing. If I am always fixated on how to help others then I get to avoid dealing with my issues.

In Robin Norwood's excellent book Women Who Love To Much, she makes reference to the sunny side of control: “I will manage my anxiety by rescuing you, advising you and doing for you.” This can come with a great deal of approval from others and we get to look good. Whilst we may look good and get approval we may also be causing others to under function because we are doing for them what they actually could do for themselves.

It can be challenging to watch others engage in areas of life that we are convinced we have a better way for them. We may feel that it is just easier and quicker to do it for them. This addresses the immediate stress but creates more in the long run.

Many people who are chronic rescuers find that whilst they have all the answers for how others should live, they are baffled when it comes to themselves. It is important to take back self-focus, attend to one's own experience and tune into one's own emotional space and stick with it even if at first it is anxiety-provoking.

Episode 162: The Importance Of Emotional Attunement In Relationships

How presence & awareness creates healthy relationships

There are a number of factors that would appear to boost the chances of having a relationship that continues to be healthy and successful over time. One such element is the degree to which you continue to be aware of your partner's emotional experience. The longer we stay together the more likely that we will both change, grow and develop whether we intend to or not. The person you started in relationship with may not be exactly who you experience today.

It is vital that we continue to invest interest and time into our partner. The more awareness and presence we can bring means we can avoid stumbling into relational blowups and being baffled as to "how did we get here?"

Emotional attunement also allows us to put the brakes on when the challenging discussion is escalating into real damage to the relationship territory. It allows us to see when our partner is beginning their repair attempts and wanting to move back into relational harmony. It allows us to continue to be present for the moments of true love and intimacy.

Episode 161: How Distance Damages Relationships

Protecting your relationship by enhancing closeness

There are so many distractions and responsibilities these days! One of the consequences is that, over time and often out of our awareness, we start to drift from our partner. Distance grows over time and connection can start to fade. This can mean that when inevitable challenges appear at our door or appear at the doors of those close to us, the relationship really experiences strain.

Having fundamental positive regard for our partner, a genuine friendship with them is seen as one of the most base elements of long term successful relationships and weathering effectively life challenges. However, if we aren't spending time together focused on continuing to really know one another then we can be weakening our relationship even though that is absolutely not what we wanted.

This episode looks at how important it is to not get too far apart from one another for too long unless we want to risk losing our relationship over time.

Episode 160: Right For The Argument and Wrong For The Relationship

How to have healthy, relationship affirming disagreements

Sometimes we can get so focused on being right in an argument and snowing someone else with the undeniability of our rational position that we forget to be mindful of their experience.

If you have ever had the experience of being intellectually trampled so to speak by someone in a conflict or negotiation situation and how that left you feeling, you will know what I mean. How willing are you to want to engage again with that person if another situation of challenge arises?

The really good negotiators and conflict specialists focus not only on the challenge at present but also on affirming the relationships between parties so that we will be willing to fight again on another day.

Disagreement isn't unhealthy and can even promote deeper understanding, intimacy and effective solutions. How we disagree and how we leave each other feeling can mean I win now but lose later. This can be especially true if as a result of confrontation with me, you refuse to want to engage again or hold back on crucial information going forward because I am now perceived as too unpleasant to deal with.

This episode looks at some of these aspects and being mindful of relationships.

Episode 159: When Setting Self Limits Gives Us More Freedom

How boundaries & accountability lead to opportunities

When we are setting boundaries and limits around our own behaviour this actually leads to more opportunities and freedom in the long run. If we don't set limits around for example consumption of food and alcohol, great fun short term but over time will weaken us and impact health as well as energy levels.

How well am I actually being accountable to myself? Am I setting myself tasks to achieve and then finding loopholes or excuses so that my personal to-do list still seems to have the same jobs on it as a month ago or even longer, ha, ha!

I sometimes find it easier to function and stay on track on behalf of others, but when it comes to doing for me I am always letting myself off the hook. This episode looks at how setting those self boundaries and then adhering to them consistently will result in us getting more of what we want in the long term.

Episode 158: Paying The Price For What You Want

Choosing our sacrifices wisely

Part of going after a meaningful goal is the things I am willing to give up in order to prioritise my goal. In the course of my career, I have had the privilege to have taught and worked with many successful people who have had to make certain sacrifices to get where they want to go. The effort becomes part of the reward if we have chosen what we will pursue wisely.

It can be very challenging to fix your time, effort and resources on achieving something and when you get there, it doesn’t provide you with the personal payoff or payoffs you thought. I have personally achieved a number of things in my life that didn't actually provide for me all that I thought they would or the joy of achievement was short-lived.

Time is of the essence and when goal setting we need to examine the drivers behind the goal.

What will I choose to let go of in order to prioritise the selected goal and what structures need to be in place to achieve the goal?

This episode explores some of these questions so that we can use the precious time we have available as effectively as possible.

Episode 157: Projecting Onto Others What Is Unowned About Me

How understanding our judgments can create greater self-awareness

What am I drawn to in others that grabs my attention in either positive or negative ways?

Is what I am attracted to or repelled by in others actually an opportunity to acknowledge an aspect in myself. Through the process of growing up we may find that elements of our being have been under-expressed or not permitted due to the family system we grew up in.

For example, I may find that I am drawn to and have a fascination with carefree, go with the flow people. Part of the fascination is a calling to acknowledge and allow myself to embrace my fun free, hedonistic self more fully than I have been doing. However, I may have grown up in a family system that overtly or covertly sent the message that hard work and seriousness were what was acceptable and valued by the family. Fun and enjoying life is trivial rather than of vital importance to developing the wholeness of self.

On the flip side, if I find myself disapproving of the behaviour of another, I can ask myself ‘where am I doing the same thing in my life?’ You spot it, you got it type approach.

This episode is about viewing others as an opportunity to turn the lens back on self so as to embrace and integrate a more complete self.

Episode 156: Little Tips That Can Take You Far

Small focus changes to create big rewards

This episode looks at some of the little focuses that successful people prioritise in pursuit of their goals.

Life is challenging sometimes and staying on track can be a task all of its own. In this episode we look at a few touchpoints that if consistently engaged in can bring great reward.

I hope you enjoy the program and find it helpful.

Episode 155: Parenting Convictions & Boundaries

Parenting principles for children’s long-term success

This episode draws on some of the work of Bowen Family systems author and therapist Roberta Gilbert. The episode looks at some of the navigating principles that we can employ to support in the roller coaster journey of seeing our children successfully through to adulthood. How do we prepare in advance for the amazing highs and anxiety-provoking lows.

How can we ensure that we are building our children up and not unintentionally undermining their long term success?

I hope that you find this episode a helpful resource and certainly recommend checking out the book: Connecting With Our Children by Roberta Gilbert.

Episode 154: Tough Conversations To Preserve Our Relationship

Embracing challenging topics for better relationship health

If we are serious about having long term healthy relationships then we need to be able to have potentially challenging conversations. Even the most successful relationships are faced from time to time with anxiety, stress and temptation. Life has a way of sometimes making our best-laid plans and ideas look trivial.

As a couple, can we commit to being willing to work on our fight form? How as a couple do we improve bringing up the topics that are tough and risk a heated exchange? Can we work as a team on how we could have handled that last argument better? Are there daily tasks that are a source of irritation that we are trying to ignore? How long can we ignore those daily irritations before they build into a major explosion in the relationship that is way harder to work through?

This episode explores some of these questions and more.

Episode 153: Little Successes & Little Stresses

Addressing the little things to make life easier

Little successes achieved consistently over time can build themselves into something quite significant. It is important to recognise and celebrate the little wins along the way. If we have multiple goals over multiple areas of our life then we can draw on success in one area to motivate us in another area where things don't seem to be moving as quickly as we would like.

Additionally, as success can compound into something amazing over time little stresses, friction points and sources of anxiety left unaddressed build too. If we try to avoid what we know at some point will become unavoidable then you are really doing yourself, and possibly others, a great disservice. Life can be challenging enough sometimes without waiting till our backs are against the wall. As uncomfortable as it can be it is best to get in as early as possible whilst we aren't too emotionally reactive or our resentment has built to a point where it has reduced our thinking clarity.

Give the little wins their due and celebrate them. Give the little stresses their due and address them before they can grow.

This episode looks at the compounding of both success and stress. I hope you find it helpful!

Episode 152: Seeing Both Sides of Relationship Patterns - Part III

The unforeseen consequences of emotional cutoff

This episode focuses on an aspect of relating patterns known as Emotional Cutoff. When we choose or feel forced to cut someone out of our lives. There are times to go low or no contact of course, and with certain more low conscious types, it’s probably important.

However, when we cut someone out of our lives or refuse any contact it might reduce the immediate sense of anxiousness but add to long term friction. We may not talk to someone for months and then reunite without addressing the original issue, or we may geographically distance but still find that we mentally obsess over the person even though we don't see or speak with them directly.

This episode explores a number of elements and potential consequences of emotional cutoff.

Episode 151: Seeing Both Sides Of Relationship Patterns - Part II

Taking accountability for our contributions to relational stress

Continuing on with exploring how we do us in relating and in particular what is my contribution to us? Spotting one's own contribution particularly when relational anxiety is up, isn't always easy.

We can become aware of how seemingly emotionally reactive our partner is whilst not being tuned into how we are coming across. We can become critical and focused on point-scoring at the expense of the relationship’s overall health. We can focus on what our partner needs to do rather than on what I need to do.

In times of relational harmony, have we taken the time as a couple to agree to the guidelines of how specifically we will argue? Importantly if we have, then under pressure do we adhere to them or feel we are justified to break the rules we set up.

Can we step away if things are amplifying unproductively and just as importantly finish challenging discussions later rather than sweep them under the carpet?

Episode 150: Seeing Both Sides Of Relationship Patterns - Part I

Challenging automatic patterns of blame in relationships

Generally, when you listen to couples going through relational challenges you can hear a fixation on their partner's present shortfalls or an over fixation on their own while their partner is faultless.

We can overly blame other or overly blame self but any attempt to adjust in a relationship from that limited focus alone is likely to only (at best) temporarily relieve relational stress. Short term, emotionally reactive adjustments that are designed to get back to momentary relational calm can be actually building to long term relational strain and distance.

This episode looks at one of the automatic patterns utilised by couples to manage intimacy, closeness, anxiety and general family system pressure. If we can observe relating patterns and label them then we are at a choice point about what, if anything, we would like to do. Can I clearly see my part and your part in this dynamic from a calm position?

It takes two to engage in a relational pattern and often a host of supporting others. This episode pattern of relating is focused on over-functioning and under-functioning in relationship. I hope you find it helpful!

Episode 149: Treating Self As You Treat Other

Giving to & approaching self in the way we do for others

Ask me to be present for another person in their moment of perceived failure and I am there with love, compassion, support and nurture. I’m full of encouragement and able to see effectively where they have done better than they presently believe.

However, in my moments of perceived failure, I take a very different approach! The automatic go to seems to be one of critical self-disgust, self frustration and anything else I can think of in the moment to metaphorically punish myself for! It's amazing how quickly I can go historical and bring up a mountain of other perceived failures to throw in my own face! Apparently, this is meant to help, ha, ha!

How can I get to more self-compassion, self-support and self-love? It is quite possibly in the moments where I most want to deny myself my own loving compassion that it is most needed.

Episode 148: You Should Really Know What I Need

How assuming your partner is a mind reader affects communication

The idea that the more we love someone the more skilled at mind reading we become causes more problems than it solves!

"You should know what I need if you really loved me!" This isn't helpful and in part stems from childhood where it was our parent's job to interpret our requirements. Depending on your family system that often didn't work so well either!

Healthy dynamics involve communication and willingness to clarify. As we grow and mature our needs change and also how specifically our needs get met.

It is fantasy to think that even with the best fit person for you, that they will magically always be in alignment with you and one step ahead of your requirements. Something of that nature is probably closer to unhealthy enmeshment than to separate adults willingly forming a relationship together and continuing to commit to the relationship as it evolves over time.

This episode looks at how the mind-reading assumptions that can appear in relationship dynamics get in the way of healthy relationship communication.

Episode 147: Toxic Relating and Dynamics of Polarity

The impact of extreme relating polarities on our wellbeing

One indicator that you may need to access the kind of relationship you are in is seemingly radical relating swings. The relationship brings you both the highest highs and lowest lows. How can someone treat me so well one moment and so horribly the next?

When they are good and showering us with attention it feels amazing and then when they withdraw and freeze us out it feels like such a lonely and desolate place.

How can one person be so charming and then so hateful? The confusion that ensues can engulf us and keep our attention distracted from the fact that they say all the right things and do none of them!

This episode looks at the emotional roller coaster effect of these radical swings in relating and their potential impact on our well being.