Episode 159: When Setting Self Limits Gives Us More Freedom

How boundaries & accountability lead to opportunities

When we are setting boundaries and limits around our own behaviour this actually leads to more opportunities and freedom in the long run. If we don't set limits around for example consumption of food and alcohol, great fun short term but over time will weaken us and impact health as well as energy levels.

How well am I actually being accountable to myself? Am I setting myself tasks to achieve and then finding loopholes or excuses so that my personal to-do list still seems to have the same jobs on it as a month ago or even longer, ha, ha!

I sometimes find it easier to function and stay on track on behalf of others, but when it comes to doing for me I am always letting myself off the hook. This episode looks at how setting those self boundaries and then adhering to them consistently will result in us getting more of what we want in the long term.

Episode 139: When Taking Care of Everyone Else Means You Miss Out

Learning self love & the difference between healthy & unhealthy care

Growing up some of us learned that the way to seek love, validation and approval was to give, give, give. We may have even gotten really skilled at anticipating and meeting the needs of others before they themselves even became aware of what they needed.

Over fixation on others can lead to resentment and exhaustion in us especially as we wait in vain for someone to give to us. When is it your turn? It can get so imbalanced that we can become uncomfortable with receiving. We get so skilled at looking after everyone else that when it comes to meeting our own needs and wants we can end up drawing a blank or feeling guilty.

This episode looks at healthy and unhealthy care, as well as how we can begin to focus on loving ourselves, approving of ourselves instead of chasing after others all the time in the off chance that we will get some crumbs of love and appreciation.

Episode 123: When Boundary Setting Will Not Work

Dealing with habitual boundary violators

The irony is that the individuals that we deal with in our business and personal lives that we most need firm boundaries with are the people who are most likely to completely ignore our boundaries.

The majority of the population respond well to boundary clarification and are willing to work towards better more mutually compatible relationship and project outcomes. However, more research is emerging regarding low conscience or character disordered individuals who have made ignoring, violating or avoiding the healthy boundary requests of others an absolute art form. This art form not only requires an ability to violate boundaries and get away with it but also to excel in detection and accountability avoidance.

Some of the individuals leading the way in this area of study that I wish to acknowledge are Dr David Scharch, Sandra Brown, Jennifer Young, Robert Hare, George Simon, Kent Kiehl not to mention a host of others.

Episode 118: What To Do With Boundary Violations - Part II

Dealing with boundary violations in business relationships

This particular expands on episode 117 by looking at boundary violations in the business setting. Depending on where you sit in the hierarchy of the business you are in will mean a potentially different approach to poor behaviour. The higher up you are the more power you have to demand what is allowable treatment for you and to police that.

This episode deals with some of the elements you need to take into account when you aren't so high up the food chain. What can we do when we perceive we don't have as much power as we would like? How do we really get to a clarity of thinking and responding that will optimise success and reduce adverse expose?

Boundaries, boundary setting and boundary maintenance is a growing field of understanding. I hope this episode helps.

Episode 117: What To Do With Boundary Violations

How to effectively & healthily approach boundary violations

People shouldn't annoy me, treat me poorly or violate my boundaries! The reality is that from time to time people can and do.

This episode is dedicated to looking at some of the ways in which we can approach this inevitable situation in the most effective and healthy way. How specifically am I reacting to this perceived poor treatment and how do I get to a place of best thinking, feeling and reacting in response.

I can't control what others will do but I can control what I can do. When we can foster a place of the calm adult within us, then we optimise the best change to respond going forward.

Episode 116: Revisiting Boundary Dynamics Part II

Understanding and learning from boundary clashes

In this follow on episode regarding boundary dynamics, we continue with some of the themes from episode 114 and add some extra elements.

Sometimes when we have a perceived boundary clash with another person it can be truly accidental. We all grew up in different family systems and had possibly different areas that were considered taboo and no go areas. Some of the areas that can differ around what is appropriate and what isn't are areas such as money, religion, politics and sex to name a few. 

In our relationships, especially newer ones there is a natural process of finding out where the parameters are. In times like these, we are better served to embrace an approach of being open and enquiring rather than judgemental and ridiculing. Fostering the ability to be able to be respectful and curious about how another person has arrived at the boundaries they have can really foster deeper closeness and intimacy.

Episode 114: Revisiting Boundary Dynamics

Setting effective & mature boundaries

Setting boundaries and parameters around what you consider ok treatment and what you don't consider ok treatment is vitally important. This is an area that, as adults, is constantly up for review and improvement.

How do I set boundaries that people are going to respect? What strategies do I employ when setting boundaries?

Are there times where I have set boundaries effectively? When have I been ineffective and what are the key differences?

This episode looks at some of the refined and nuanced aspects of setting frameworks of what is acceptable in people dynamics.

The episode is intended to help you set boundaries from a place of clarity, integrity and as an adult. 

Episode 79: Romantic Relationships and Boundaries

Strengthen your romantic relationship by discussing boundaries

Boundaries in romantic relationships are so important and add to connection or distance depending on how we respond to them. Boundaries are about what is and isn't ok in relationship for us, and it is very likely that our partner’s ideas, or at least some of them, will be different from ours.

Boundaries in relationships is a vast area and will vary from couple to couple. However, there are ways to approach the discussion of boundaries in a way that can maximise receptivity. If done well and from a place of calm non-reactivity it can greatly add to the strength of the relationship.

I hope this episode gives you some strategies for maximising success with healthy boundary setting!

Episode 33: Boundaries Revisited

Healthy Vs Unhealthy Boundaries

Episode 33 once again looks at boundaries as they are just such a central component to people dynamics.

Depending on the family system, the family culture you grew up in, you can develop a very different idea around boundaries compared to your romantic partner or work colleagues.

This episode explores some of the central elements and points of consideration so as to add to your existing understanding of what is a healthy boundary compared to unhealthy.

Understanding in this critical area of human interaction can really propel us forward into quality fulfilling relationships in every area of life. I hope you find that this episode provokes some contemplation on what you may have been taught directly or indirectly about boundaries in the past.

Episode 12: Persuasion & Influence Tips

Ever wondered why it is that you said Yes to something when you meant to say no?

Or had purchase regret? Why did I agree to go to that function when I really didn't want to!

Ep 12 looks at Cialdini's Unconscious Influence Patterns and how they can have dramatic effects on our decision making in business, relationships, and life. This episode draws from the book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert B. Cialdini to help create greater awareness around how we are being influenced and directionalized, and not always for our best good!

Learn about how you can use these patterns to both advance your goals and defend against poor choices.

Episode 09: Tips for Dynamic Parenting

Foundational frames to support parents in raising happy, healthy, and confident children. 

Parenting is such a challenging role, and like never before, modern parenting is presented with some novel hurdles to overcome.

This episode is based around some of the work of world-renowned author on codependency Pia Mellody combined with a number of other sources. In brief, we touch upon self-esteem, boundaries for children, teaching a moderate approach to life and much more. This episode is aimed at providing the listener with some fundamental touch points in supporting the welfare of your child or children. 

Episode 02: Setting Boundaries

Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is profoundly valuable.

Boundaries set the parameters of what we deem acceptable and unacceptable behaviour when dealing with others. This episode looks at boundaries and understanding more about how to be skilful in setting them. 

When we have functional boundaries our connections with others improve and our stress levels reduce. Special mention to Addictions specialist and author of the book "Set Yourself Free" Shirley Smith whose work focuses extensively on the subject of Boundaries.