Episode 106: Sibling Rivalry and Abuse

How sibling dynamics can shape our present state

The relationship that you have with your sibling/siblings and cousins can be the longest relationships in your life. Depending on your experiences growing up these relationships can be of massive support, considerable pain or both.

This episode looks at how these relationships were shaped by our experience in our family system growing up and how they play out in our present adult relationships.

Were you forced to compete for attention? Did you feel that you were constantly compared?

How has the past shaped the present?

This episode looks at some of the dynamics that can shape sibling relationships. The more we can understand what happened in the broader sense of the family the more we can move towards having even more joyous and intimate relationships in the present.

Episode 105: Red Flags Early in Dating

Early warnings signs for potentially abusive relationships

The early stages of dating can be an amazing time full of optimism and hope for the future! Finding a partner that enriches our life is the ideal!

However, for some, they can find that what began so amazingly has turned into a nightmare where they are left wondering how did we get here and when will the person I first fell in love with be returning?

Abusive dynamics tend not to show themselves early, in fact, on the surface, everything can look amazing.

However, there are certain red flags that might help you to see that this person may actually be toxic for you and therefore allowing you to avoid a really painful relationship. 

This episode looks at some of the warning signs that may suggest that you slow things down, dig deeper, seek advice or move on. 

Episode 104: Getting To Know Your Parents

The benefits of knowing your parents beyond the parent/child dynamic

One of the most intense, influential and challenging relationships we can experience in our lives can be with one or both of our parents. The parent/child dynamic for some has meant chasing parental approval all our lives or actively trying to push away from what we perceive to be overbearing parental intrusion into our lives. This intrusion for some of us doesn't seem to abate just because we have become an adult.

It is amazing that we can be around someone all our lives and yet do we really know them?

What would you like to know about your parents that you don't yet know?

This episode looks at getting to know our parents beyond the parent/child dynamic and what benefits can become present out of engaging in these conversations.

Episode 103: Wedding Day and Married Life

How you can give your marriage every chance at success

A wedding is an amazing symbol of love, commitment and unity! It is an opportunity to share and celebrate our relationship with those we love. It is great that we really enjoy the day and invest time in making sure on the day it all goes smoothly. 

Given we put that much time and energy into a day in our relationship, how much time do we invest in the planning of our life together and our marriage?

Some planning and structure in our married life actually promotes romance, freedom and intimacy rather than takes away from it. There is so much to talk about such as how we prioritise our time as a couple, what are our joint dreams and desires, how will we spend our money and what constitutes fighting fair?

Even great relationships take renewed effort, focus and work! With so much demand on our time in modern life, how can we give ourselves every chance at success? This episode looks at some of the areas to address before it is absolutely necessary. This episode could be of value not only to those early in the marriage journey but also to help refresh for those of us further along the marriage road. 

Episode 102: Revisiting Arguments in Relationships

Using arguments for understanding rather than winning

As a couple, the health of our argument style can be far more important to the overall success of our relationship than what we fight about or how often.

In healthy relationships, there are certain rules, parameters and boundaries that are not crossed due to the mutual respect we carry for one another and the relationship overall. The argument backdrop isn't about winning at all costs, proving the rightness of my argument, maintaining the one-up position but rather about using this experience to know more about one another a willingness to listen, hear our partners side with openness and a mutual intention to find middle ground.

This episode continues to explore some of what works and what doesn't in relationships when it comes to disagreements. 

Episode 101: Recovery After a Toxic Relationship

Challenges that may come up during the recovery journey

It would appear to be logical that after we leave a toxic relationship it instantly gets better and only improves from there. Unfortunately, when it comes to the road of recovery it can actually be an extreme roller coaster with a lot of mixed emotions. It is sometimes harder to recover from a toxic breakup than it is from a reasonably healthy relationship breakup.

It is so important to have a good support group around yourself as you begin to rebuild. It is also important to move at your own rate and speed. Avoid comparing your recovery journey to another as you are your own unique person. Others that are with us on the recovery journey are there for inspiration and support, not comparison.

This episode looks at some of the potentially unexpected things that can present on the road back to having our own lives on our own terms. If you are on the recovery road or supporting someone who is, I hope this helps in some way. You have my absolute admiration and respect! 

Episode 100: The Immature Romantic Partner

Understanding the behaviours & dynamics of partners with maturity issues

Even a healthy relationship takes work and compromise over time, not to mention the many challenges that life seems to throw at a couple! It can be challenging at the best of times. It can get even harder when we appear to have found ourselves in a relationship with someone who is reluctant to grow up and step up. 

This episode looks at some of the behaviours and dynamics that you may have to deal with on a continual basis if your partner seems to have some maturity issues. Such things as they refuse to consistently clean up after themselves, make impulsive choices that seem to blow up and set you both back. Show up for the fun and disappear for the hard stuff. Perhaps they consistently seem to put their friends and hobbies before you and the relationship. There are many other ways in which immaturity can put tremendous pressure on your relationship.

The more we are clear on what we are dealing with or up against the more effective the solutions we come up with will be. All the best in your relationship and I hope this episode helps!

Episode 99: Receiving The Crumbs Of Love In Relationship

Growing your relationship with self

This episode happened to emerge from the recesses of my brain because I was wondering about how it is that sometimes I have settled for so little lovingness and put up with so much below standard behaviour. 

I was on the track of thinking about that in relationship with others, and then realised it was more reflective of my relationship to me. This episode is a bit of a muse and a ramble through the concept of standards of treatment and levels of tolerance.

How is it that, sometimes I find that it is effortless to devalue, belittle and shame myself? However, the effort to readdress that with some loving positive self-talk seems more hollow and anything but convincing?

At the moment when I need myself the most, I can go missing. As human beings, we are in my opinion truly amazing and my hope is that this episode helps in some way towards your own growing relationship with self. All the best on your journey!

Episode 98: Safeguarding Self in a Toxic Relationship

Advice for navigating unhealthy realtionships

Whilst there are some red flags that exist in the early stages of relationships, unfortunately it can take some time before we really become aware that the relationship we are in is really unhealthy.

Whilst this episode is by no means meant to be taken as specific advice as everyone's challenging situation will consist of elements of its own uniqueness, there are however some general points of consideration that may help make a difficult situation a bit easier to navigate. 

I hope this episode helps those in challenging situations and those who are supporting loved ones through challenging situations. It is also important to understand what protections under the law you have for your particular geographic region and what support groups are available to you.

Episode 97: Supporting People who are in Toxic Relationships

Effectively offering support to those in abusive relationships

Given that abusive dynamics are unfortunately so common, there is every possibility that someone we love could find themselves in an abusive romantic relationship where both their physical and mental wellbeing is being damaged.

Effective support through this period requires some understanding otherwise we can unintentionally be playing into the hands of the abuser. The person who is experiencing threat, coercive control, domination and denial of their basic human rights needs to be met with full support and compassion.

However, we can be swept away in our own anxiety about their situation and rush in with advice-giving that may actually leave them feeling worse. This episode looks at some of what we can do to be of effective support to those we love.

Episode 96: Negative Effects of Power Over Parenting

Overcoming conflicted feelings about success

Depending on what type of Power Dynamic we experienced growing up, certain consequences can arise. If we learned that it was ok to share around the power and control depending perhaps on who was best equipped in the moment to direct, then we might find ourselves very comfortable to move between moments of leading and following.

However, if we experienced fixed positions relative to power and control where one person was always in the "superior position" regardless of competence, expertise or appropriateness then we can come away with mixed messages and feelings about success.

One way in which this can play out is with a mixed set of responses to success. If as a child every time you succeeded, took an authentic position or stood out you were in some way cut down or set back, then you can experience increases in anxiety when you succeed.

What we experienced as a child can create a double bind going forward where we crave success and yet are fearful of it at the same time. This episode explores some of that dynamic and what we can begin to do about it.

Episode 95: Abuser Mindset and Entitlement

Understanding the role of entitlement in the abuser’s mindset

Abusive behaviour and mindset in Intimate Relationships is highly complex and certainly not always well understood! The more insight and clarity we have the more effective our interventions can become.

When it comes to romantic relationships, abuse dynamics stem from beliefs, attitudes and thinking patterns that are often underpinned with a sense of justification and entitlement:

‘If you don't submit to my power and control then I am entitled to utilise whatever tactics I deem necessary to make that happen.’

‘No matter what is going on as an abuser, my needs getting met come first! You need to focus on me whenever I want you to focus on me. What you want and need are not as important as what I want and need!’

‘I am entitled to forgiveness, I am entitled to control how you think and behave!’

Of course, the list goes on!

There are a number of foundational elements that make up the abuser mindset and in this episode, we look at the element of entitlement. As I have mentioned before there are a number of exceptional resources in this area. I certainly recommend a look at the work of people like Lundy Bancroft, George Simon, Jerry Wise, Ann Jones and Susan Schechter and there are many more. All these experts bring elements and expertise to areas that help us all move into better relating.

Episode 94: Children Witnessing Toxic Relationships

How exposure to abusive relationships impacts children’s present & future wellbeing

It can unfortunately sometimes be easier to think that if something didn't happen, or isn't happening to my kids directly, they won't be that affected! Witnessing toxic, abusive exchanges between one's parents on a consistent basis can impact children not just at the felt level, but can influence attitudes and beliefs about what an intimate relationship consists of. I may come away thinking that because people love me they get to hurt me! 

When we see a romantic relationship that is heavily tipped in the favour of one person then it can be very confusing. Especially when this obvious one-sided dynamic is consistently denied!

When supporting children to grow into adults that are capable of having happy, healthy, mutually respectful and genuinely loving relationships, what can we do to help? 

Staying open to conversation with our children and noticing what beliefs are held, supportive or otherwise is vital!

Episode 93: The Seduction Of The Abuser

The ups & downs of the cycle of abuse

The abuse cycle can be confusing as it can consist of periods of relative peace between partners and in the household in general. The calm before the next storm can lull us into a false sense of hope that things may finally be getting better.

Part of skilled abusers keeping us plugged in is the fostering of false hope and keeping us believing if we just try harder, just love them more, just give in to more of their demands it will all change.

This episode looks at the ups and downs of the cycle. It can be very confusing to love someone and be genuinely afraid of them at the same time. A vast array of emotional responses regarding one's partner in these extreme situations can definitely be part of the relational landscape.

Hopefully, this episode helps to point out areas of focus and provide some clarity.

Episode 92: Narcissistic Abusers Vs Abusers

Understanding the abusive mindset in intimate relationships

Clarity and education are so important when dealing with challenging people! If we can't understand the behaviours we are looking at, we can make excuses and justifications for poor behaviour.

Does our intimate partner appear to only have entitlement and control issues with us or do the consequences of their belief in their own superiority create issues right across all areas of their life?

Does my partner only appear to lose control when dealing with me but doesn't appear to be overly combative when it comes to dealing with everyone else?

This episode explores some more of the abusive mindset in intimate relationships and seeks to help with a greater understanding of what might actually be going on.

Episode 91: Raising Children with a Narcissist

Navigating the challenges of co-parenting with a narcissist

Growing strong healthy and well-esteemed children can be a journey at the best of times! But what happens when we end up having to do this with a partner or ex-partner whom we find tremendously challenging to get along with or who isn't even interested in getting along.

What can we do that would help ensure the best environment we can create within our control to support our kids.

Although each family situation is unique there are some common touchpoints of attention that may help in navigating the way ahead. Good self-support and self-care become vital if we are to be the best support we can to our children. There are a number of other areas too that we can think about going forward. I genuinely hope this episode helps!

Episode 90: Disagreements in Relationship Part II

Grow closer in times of conflict

Modern relationships are challenging and as we mentioned earlier a good relationship doesn't mean a conflict-free relationship. How we fight is more important over time than what we fight about.

In this episode we continue to look at the resources and focuses that can really help a couple to grow closer even in times of conflict.

There can be multiple areas of challenge and friction for a couple, not to mention differing priorities from time to time. How can we make the path forward as calm and as easy as possible? Avoiding conflict isn't the answer but getting proactive and jointly developing an approach to challenging times could really be advantageous to the relationship!

Episode 89: Disagreements In Relationship Part I

How can we meet in the middle for the long term success of our relationship?

Healthy relationships aren't conflict-free and require compromise from time to time. When we are choosing to make our romantic relationship a priority then working through differences in personality, preference and culture become necessary.

Differences can become so much more challenging depending on how we approach them. Research indicates that how we fight is far more impactful long term than what we fight about. Couples expert Esther Perel refers to this as fight form.

There are certain aspects of relationships that are solvable and in other areas perhaps it is best to consider how we most effectively work with significant differences over time with willing compromise.

Episode 88: More Insights On The Inner Critic

Understanding & making an ally of the inner critic

The kind of relationship that we foster with our Inner Critic can foster success or cause us to give up on our dreams. The number of times that my inner critic has convinced me, in one way or another, that I am not presently good enough… or even that the potential in the future of being good enough is slim happens with alarming regularity!

What are some of the ways in which unhealthy inner critic presents and flattens our confidence?

How can we keep on track and continue to work on the things we are wanting to improve without tearing ourself down all the time?

When appropriately integrated the Inner Critic can be of exceptional value.

Episode 87: Making Progress In Life - Part II

Daily strategies for achieving success

So you have established the areas of importance to you in your life, and some evidence for how you might like to continue to improve.

This episode looks at a practical daily strategy for achieving that success. How do we manage unplanned interruptions? How do we get back on track? How can we bypass frustration?

In this episode, we address goal setting with built-in secondary and tertiary targets for those days when life decides it has plans for us other than those we set out to achieve.

Little consistent steps in the right direction can over time build into really significant achievements.